Arranged marriage vs Love marriage

Given that I am still a student with other priorities and my friends who discussed this issue are like me(I am implying none of us are in wedlock yet), this post may seem naive, but nonetheless, I wish to put down my thoughts and share the talking points put forward by my fellow bloggers.

By our(Indian) definition a Love marriage is one where the decision to get married is taken by the girl and boy themselves, mostly without their parent's initial consent, through an initial period of courtship. An Arranged marriage is one where the parents seek a partner, done through social networks and finalised through horoscopes.

The basic difference and the bone of contention between the two is that in the latter case the girl and boy have little say in the decision; they leave the majority of the decision making to the parents and the inner family circle. Those in favour of Love marriages contend such a decision is unfavourable as the two hardly know each other and it doesn't make sense to get into a long term relationship with someone you barely know.

Most say an Arranged marriage is unthinkable of: you've never met this person before, and suddenly life has to be led with this new individual.

While many say adjusting with such a person will be a mountain climb, I would like to point out: why is it that many Love marriages end in disaster? The farthest depth they sink to is a divorce. I do not have any statistics, but they are not untrue either. Of all the marriages to my knowledge(I have been a poor socialite with regard to who is who), Arranged marriages breaking up are as few as successful Love marriages. Why?

Or, conversely, if, an Arranged marriage is unfavourable because you squirm at accommodating a new person, why doesn't that sense of adapting take over to avoid the Love marriage from breaking up? In other words, what you fear might happen in Arranged marriages actually happens in Love marriages: irreconcialiation.

Maybe, in doomed Love marriages, people expect too much from the other. Maybe love wasn't the only factor. Or the person was no longer the same.

In India, social, monetary and caste issues complicate the issue beyond compare where we are expected by the society to honour borders surrounding castes and religion. It could be that we tend to absorb problems more, hence Arranged marriages are more successful.

But personal choices aren't what cause the most concern. We are a close knit community - we know even our neighbours, visit relatives regularly and keep our immediate family closer to our heart than anything else. Any decision they take, and more importantly, the ones we take, affect all.

Individually they may accept 'a new generational shift' toward Love marriages, but parents will definitely have trouble keeping their calm when their children have married a person unaccustomed to the general traditions. That person may not be used to the practices; they may not be willing to absorb them; oh, and I need not mention vegetarian and non-vegetarian choices. Within family circles, surely, parents will feel sad at things not going 'well'.

But does that mean we do as we like with no regard to the general society? I remember my Biology teacher boldly suggesting that we marry someone from New Zealand to have children with good genes - so what does his statement mean for those who don't like that idea? My latest flurry of thoughts were set ablaze by two blog posts - one from Prashant Sree and Priyadarshini (who I only know is a junior and a Nittian).

Prashant Sree's is one where an inter-religion love couple decide against getting married because of the shock it would cause to their families. I do not know for sure if it is a true story, as it has a favourably happy ending(atleast to me)where they realise their love is better off as friendship. Though the protagonist in the post does not say how exactly he agrees with his father, he could be referring to the social rammifications. The advice given by the father is exactly what I have had in my mind all along. If it had not been for that blog post, I would have written all that here, so I suggest you read that blog post.

Our parents have been with us all the time - we are greatly indebted to them - in this sense would it be right to leave them in the dark with a decision we make all by ourselves? Would it be right to scorn at their disdain for a Love marriage, and put them in deep pain? If you ask me, no.
Then again, does that mean we have to be subject to their picks?

This is where the second mentioned blog post comes in. Priya's fictional(I guess) story is about a girl who wants the freedom to take a wider role in deciding who she wants to marry. She shows her utter disregard for custom by rejecting her parent's picks for her.

I tried to push a point across that old fashioned matchmaking like the father did were more successful, to which Priya gave a powerful rebuttal:

"I agree old fashioned marriages have sustained over time but how sure are you that the couples are really happy and lead a meaningful life?"

This set me thinking - yes, it is true that in trying to do as our parents say we may swallow our pride and forgo some liberties - so where should the line be drawn? How can we be happy in our decision as well as make sure our parents are not dispirited by our 'absurd' decisions?

Some observation will show that all such decisions - hated by either the girl/boy or parents - are revealed at a make-or-break moment, just before the engagement or when they are not ready to change their mind in any way: there is little time left for any sort of reproach.

My best hope, in search of an answer, is that whatever the decision, it must be an open forum - no hidden meetings, no soft phone calls, no behind-the-scene sessions - all persons concerned should be kept informed from the very beginning - and any opinion should be vocal and discussed.

On the one hand this means a 'love' relationship may be forced to be nixed at the bud itself and an arranged marriage proposal may not progress very far. On the other hand, 'love' relationship may blossom, with a chance being presented to impress the critics and the 'arranged' proposal has a potential for one to be won over by the sheer charisma of the other.

In the mix of all of this Blany, who is very hard to convince, scrambled things further: he said it was a time for a paradigm shift and to buck the boring trend and take things into our own hands and convince whoever needs to be: it is a measure of how mature you are and how much faith your family has in you. He went so far as saying that an in arranged marriage people 'pretend' to be happy and Indian society is divided because of old ground rules.

But then I guess noone will be unhappy if you love a person your parents would have probably chosen for an Arranged marriage - some person whose background they are already OK with. That is a possibility.

So in this murky realm, my kind suggestion would be not to hurt the feelings of those you have known for 20 odd years for the sake of someone you know for 20 weeks. I personally don't think it is a chance worth taking. I'm not saying a nod to everything is the right resolution; I am sure they will understand if you express your concerns.

Any relationship needs a healthy dose of trust, understanding, and true love.

Some interesting recollections come to my mind: my Hindi teacher from school advising that love is dangerous with boys abandoning girls(or vice versa) as easily as changing shirts, notwithstanding an analogy(which is not entirely water-tight) pressed upon us, that while selecting a sari or a shirt at a shop you will go through several, yet in a Love marriage just an impulse starts things off.

/I wonder how deep a hole I am digging for myself.